A Whole New World

“Unbelievable sites…” of ham-that’s right: HAM. Jasmin would have never fell in love with Aladdin if he had shown her the workings of a deli. 

It’s about time I write about my current occupation.  Officially, I am a “deli assistant” working at “New World”, one of the four grocery chains in New Zealand.  Unofficially, I am a ham server working for an uppidity woman who is in dire need of some sedation pills. 

New World is the largest supermarket in Kerikeri and thus we sell phenomenal amounts of ham (sadly I used the word “we” in that sentence).  Shaved ham to Kiwis is the equivalent of turkey to people in the States. Every week, the New World deli department sells approximately 56 kilograms of ham, which is 123.2 pounds of ham.  I know that you are envisioning pigs but the truth is, shaved or sliced ham is only made of 40% oinker while the majority of the delicacy is an amalgamation of products including soy protein and the dreaded unknown. I will never eat this stuff but the Kiwis gobble it up, or pig it up.

I work 40 to 50 hours a week. The shifts run from 6am to 4pm and no, the extra two hours tacked on to the general prescription of eight are not overtime, they are added FUN.

Excuse my sarcasm, this job isn’t that bad and in fact, slicing meat and using the slicer is rather therapeutic. Like everything else in my life, I try to slice brawn, veal and pork loaf, tongue among others, as creatively as possible. I pack those shaved meats in trays attempting to make them look like little rosettes or waves- waves of chicken roll or rosettes of hot beef.  I’ve even named the slicers: Calvin and Oscar. I’ve also renamed an assortment of luncheon. Luncheon is the American bologna but I’m positive that when I was little and had bologna and cheese sandwiches, the meat wasn’t this unappetizing, or maybe I was blinded by the cheese.  Savory luncheon, which I have renamed “Festive Luncheon” is bologna with speckles of green “peas” and orange “carrots” added for your vitamin delight. Get your “protein” and vegetables all in one slice. Delicious?

In addition to the joy I receive from slicing meat, I even encounter the general crazies. I’ve been yelled at 3 times by customers, all of whom I’m sure forgot their meds of the day. The first woman: was a short rotund woman who yelled at me for giving her “scraps of shaved ham”.  “Shaved” implies “scrappy” so my only response was a gentle apology, a Mary Sunshine smile and an ocean of profanity spewing in my head.  The second person was a curmudgeon.  He rolls around in his automated scooter equipped with a towering orange flag.  Every time he visits New World, he asks if we have scallops.  No sir, the deli department does not serve seafood.  He called me “rude” because I asked him what he wanted before he knew.  Sorry folks, although I try, I am not a mind-reader. 

The third episode of psycho is my personal favorite:

Man: “Are the mini pork pies nice?”

Me: “I’m not sure, I’ve never had one but I’ll ask someone who has”

Man: “No I don’t want one then, if you’ve never had one. I don’t want anything”

Man storms off.

There must be an invisible sign on my “New World” hat that says, “If you are crazy- come talk to me”.

Luckily, most people are rather enjoyable. They want their 500 grams of shaved ham and their occasional treat of a small pottle of coleslaw and then they are on their way, content. They don’t realize what they are missing out on: Boar’s Head products and deli sliced cheese. The deli doesn’t slice cheese here. Instead, it is sold pre-packaged in 4 main varieties: Tasty, Mild, Colby and Edam.

The question that plagues my mind: isn’t all cheese “tasty”?